I could hear the “Love Theme” playing whenever I pictured your elegant face, hands and stance, all that was your very being and presence.
I had dreamed you up one day, you see.
But I could not have known that the fantasy and vision that had disturbed my slumber as a child tucked away in a world void of such dreams, would ever come close to the real thing.
(That you would become real–at all.)
Or that you would be so much more evolved than the original dream guy I had studied for years and since that little girl I had grown from to a woman in search of her man.
Night after night your form had begun to take shape and then my day dreams had somehow breathed life into you.
You took a residence in my mind.
My soul was captivated.
I did already love you…..
It was inevitable, you see.
But I didn’t desire and also need you until the movie started playing and we were introduced.
I had fantasized in my dreams all those nights and days that you’d be very grateful to me to be the real-to-life hero of my story!
Even though you were not really…human.
You were a machine and not alive at all.
And much like the robot machines in my favorite home away from home fantasy, the movie Blade Runner, you’d figure out that your time had begun to run short!!
You’d conclude that because I was human, and therefore your best opportunity to understand real life and how to get this same life for yourself, that you should turn to me.
You would have to love me back, you see.
(I would be all that you’d desire and ever need.)
We would both experience the same things together; a relentless passion, an overwhelming hunger and a need for each other…life or death, come what may.
Yet, there would be something missing in you ultimately.
Being a robot and all.
And even such an evolved and surprising robot that I never could’ve anticipated.
You would never have love in you, for me.
“The life that burned twice as bright burned half as long”, as Roy (The greatest of The Nexus 6 Replicants) meets his maker, Tyrell in the movie Blade Runner, he is told this truth.
Tyrell clearly justifying the cruelty of his machine’s abhorrent ways and also its amazing achievements and talents that separated it from so many of the humans that could only revel in the aftermath of its greatness.
Of its absolute cruelty.
Thus,Tyrell is absolved in that one statement as to why his creation would have to end and soon.
I knew you were the same as Roy; so beautiful, so amazing and shone like gold and yet also so cruel, cold and impervious!
You were destined, no you were designed to destruct anything in your path.
Ultimately you’d only hurt me and take from me so much that there would be no more days left in me for you to mark with your wrath.
And my Blade Runner would have to come and rescue me!!
To shoot your machine mind and mechanical heart dead!
And yet…..how would this rescue me?
There would be no “you” anymore.
And not a similar creature dwelling amongst the crowds waiting for me.
Therefore there would be no love, desire and need in me for anyone or any “thing” else.
(How could I ever go back to regular feelings and a life without you, my mechanical knight!?)
The thought erupted a panic in me and without realizing that I was just in the middle of another dream.
My breathing turned erratic then
my sweat soaked through the sheets.
So quickly the dream had become a nightmare!!
And much like the Blade Runner, Deckard, when he made the daring decision to steal away his own robot, Rachel, whom he wanted very much, I found myself plotting this same exact plan.
This same exact fate for us.
I wanted to escape with you and rescue us both!
I wanted to travel the pages of this story to the end and to some far away place, safe from all those who would try and protect me from you.
I would take you away to a land where no one would recognize your exception to the rule.
Your perfection without a soul.
“All those moments will be lost in time, like tears lost in rain…..time to die.” Roy says this in the movie to his very own Blade Runner, Deckard.
In my nightmare I had decided none of this version of the tale told, and so cruelly, could ever become OUR truth!
And so that I could keep you!
In the end I could only live to love you, as my only match, forever and ever and without regret or consequence.
My one deepest desire; no moral great enough could ever stop me from saving you.
I would surely see It was not my fault, and it was not your fault, my masterful and soulless machine.
It could not ever be that our doing was our undoing.
It was just reality, you see.
It was….my Nexus 6 Fantasy.